Dreaming and Dancing

2005-08-14T00:08:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I have to get this out, and I don't want people to see it who are a part of my Native American clan, so I'm posting here. I don't actually expect a response, but feel free to leave one if you so choose.
My clan mother, Web Weaver, was admitted to the hospital on Wednesday with elevated blood sugar and uncontrollable migranes from temporal arthritis. She had a blood sugar reading of 510 on admittance, and it eleveated higher than 700 at one point. I was called home from work to take her to the hospital, and spent the next two days running on about four hours of sleep a day, between work, getting kids to daycare, going to the hospital, and making dinner, getting kids ready for bed, etc. I have been litterally burning the candle at both ends, and was completely drained.
So, Weaver calls me today, saying that she hasn't been able to smoke, and would I please bring her some chocolate. I brought it, asked the nurses, and they said no. Fair enough- I wouldn't have asked without checking with them first. I wouldn't sneak food for my own grandfather, and while I love Weaver like a mother, I still wouldn;t do something to put her health or treatment in jeopardy. So, I told her no. She was a little upset, but understood, and moved on. However, it comes to pass that in the last THREE days, she had brought with her and consumed- a king size Reece's cup, two KitKats, a chocolate peanut butter SlimFast bar, and two Frosted Flakes cereal bars. IN THREE DAYS. "But, I rationed it, a little at a time."
Now, the doctor told her that her high blood sugar may have something more to do than with the diabetes, and drugs, and migranes, and everything else. She also has pneumonia and a blood infection (septicemia). He tells her this because she has been on the hospitals ADA diet, and her blood sugar is still in the 500 range. So, there must be something more. So, they do more tests. They think it could be any number of problems- addison's disease, a thrombosis somewhere in her circulatory system, something that is preventing her from properly using insulin and glucophage (that they have been giving her) that is something more than typical diabetes.
Now, I'M PISSED. I left my NEW job early to take her to the hospital so that she could sneak in candy, knowing that her doctor told her to check herself in FOR HIGH BLOOD SUGAR. I had to leave work early to get my son and nephew from daycare on the following days, since she was the one to do it while I was working. I have missed training for how to close the store, which I NEED, since my manager is getting ready to go on vacation. I'm working for a company that I have worked for before, so I have to learn how this certain store does their shut down. I have been busting my ass, and worrying about her, so that she can cheat, and tell me that there is something seriously wrong?!?!?!?! That there is nothing that the doctors can find, that she needs more tests, more time in the hospital (I FUCKING HATE hospitals- I don't like being in one, and I don't like family being in one. They are horrible institutions that make me think that something is horribly wrong and only going to get worse. I have no way of helping the person that I love that is in one, and I usually pace the halls trying to calm my nerves), and that they can't figure out what is wrong-- all the while, she eats so much fucking sugar in three days that I would be having fucking comas.
I feel like screaming, I feel like punching something (I kicked a pilon in front of the ER-- it didn't help), and I feel like crying all at the same time. I have no idea what to say to her tomorrow, and I feel like if I do start talking, I'm going to go off on her, which I don't want to do. I want her to know how fucking PISSED I am, and I have no idea how to tell her wtihout totally urting her feelings. I feel ike I'm going to go crazy. I think what I'm going to do is write down what I want to tell her, and read it to her, with no interruptions. Then, she can say her piece.
There, I've said mine. You can all go back to sleep now.

2005-07-31T21:17:00.000-07:00

Never in a million years would I think that someone like Carlos would be the person that would inspire these writings, but 'tis true. I feel like I'm floating on a post-orgasmic trip anytime I am simply near him. The first night that we had sex, we didn't even technically have sex. Isn't that fantastic?! He was concerned with me getting off, and nothing more. It had been a while since I had explored my sexual desires and urges, and MY GOD was it worth it. 12 ORGASMS in one night! Simply from his touch and his tongue. I don't know how my head stayed on straight for the rest of the night.
Okay, so I'm a slight novice at this..... eros blogging. My, my, my, it's enough to make a woman faint. Or, I should say, find her latin lover and go crazy. But, I digress. I will be seeing said latino tomorrow, and you, my dear readers, will find out more then.

2005-07-27T18:28:00.000-07:00

Holy Cow! I can't believe what my other posts sound like.... have I really not changed my outlook on the male/ female relationship at all? I sound like a whiny bitch! Okay, maybe not a bitch, cause that's not the highest compliment that I could give myself (when is it a compliment, you ask? like, as in "bitch boots". But more on that later). But you still get the idea. I have tried to remember why I got back in the scene at all. You know, the dating scene. Where you have cutesy phone calls, and feel like you are always on "perma-smile" just by thinking about the person. Where you want to call the person, and wonder "is it too early to call?". Or wonder to yourself "should I have done/ said/ been this instead of that?" Oiy! That bumper sticker has it right- "Kill them all, let Gd sort them out".... wait, I'm not sure how that is applicable. I know that Frenchy is thinking right now "damnit Leaf! Get a hold of yourself! Didn't we discuss this earlier, and didn't we agree to be in happy, giggly, girl mode about our current situations?" That may be Frenchy (and, yes, I know that you would never phrase it that way, simply paraphrasing) but I have to over-analyze myself on everything! EVERYTHING! And, no, this won't be an eros blog tonight. Probably tomorrow, though. I should get started on that. SOON!
I feel like I should be taking things one day at a time, and yet I also want to jump the gun (I may have done that already... any comments on that one, folks?). I think I should totally re-examine why I would want to be in a relationship (egads! did I say the "R" word?), and if I truly want that, or if it is simply a manifestation of my further physical desires and hopes and.....holy shit! Sorry, flashback to the other night. (That's what we in the biz call a "teaser" for the following night LOL). I wish I knew what to say, and ask, and be, and do when it comes to this. I feel like there is something holding me back- distance, commitment to school and this new life, or something other than that, I'm not sure- and I wish I knew what it was. If there was ever a moment that I could use a crystal ball, or a working magic 8 ball, this would be that time.
So, nothing in the eros section tonight. I'll get started on it tomorrow. I haven't delved into that part of my psyche in a while, and it may take some time to get into the swing of it. I should read up on Frenchy's...she's good at that (and other stuff, but I won't get into it here.... you'll have to read her blog yourself..... and bring a- never mind, I won't even go there. Let's just say you'll enjoy it.) How's that for a plug?
Holy shit, this sounds like the blog of an eight year old with ADHD! (Chocolate makes me hyyyyppper!) I can't keep all this bottled inside. It can't be good. I need a good, long, heavy....conversation with someone, who will, I'm sure, one day read this. Just, not yet. (Once, when my mom's car broke down, she gave me a Snickers and a can of Coke, and I towed it home. Eight miles! When I got home, I was tired.) Yeah, I'll definitely get this all aired out at sometime in the near future. Consider this a hyperactive preview, with a little nonsensical ramble thrown in for fun. :-)

2005-07-02T20:59:00.000-07:00

I realize that I sound like a total and complete dork on my more recent writings. I think you might have figured out at this point what happened, and if not, I'm not going into it. Get your own box, as the saying goes. As in, figure it out, or don't worry about it. However, I have attempted contact with my offender, and there has been no reciprocated contact, so fuck it. That's right, fuck it. I suppose this is another one of those live and learn things, which, frankly, I am getting sick of. But whatever. I suppose this is my less intelligent post, but I think I deserved one. Blah.

2005-07-02T13:46:00.000-07:00

Holding onto a friend, thinking that they could be more than a friend. What a stupid, stupid thing to do. If I could ever figure out what the hell is wrong with my brain, I would have that part removed. That part that makes me think I can go out, have casual relations, and not become attached to that person. Why can't I be a slut about it? I see people I went to school with going out, using others to find their pleasure... me? I have to find someone to have a relationship with, then smack myself in the forehead when it doesn't work out. I feel like Napoleon Dynamite "Gosh! Idiot!!"

2005-07-01T19:08:00.000-07:00

Waiting for eternity for someone who would never come. At least, that's what I thought I was doing. The person I thought I was finding a connection with was not finding that same connection. And that's when it hit me: they aren't the one that I'm supposed to be waiting for. There is more out there, and a time and place for me to find them. If I was meant to find someone so easily, and so soon after I avowed not to find anyone, but rather myself, then what would I have learned? Nothing. A whole big steaming pile of nothing. But, if I could meet someone, have my heartstrings tugged just a little, so that I could remember the pleasure, and not grow accustomed to the pain (or rather the absence of any feeling) then I would be more dilligent in my quest. I would be more aware of what it is that I am searching, and find myself in the throes of one of the greatest brain orgasms of all times. Because, I'm actually using my brain this time. Gee, what a concept.

2005-06-29T20:28:00.000-07:00

Breakneck speeding

I wrote a poem and put it up on my other blog site, thinking that I could show the world that I am intelligent, and no longer the invisible wallflower. Now, I'm thinking I should erase it. Because, what if the person it is intended for actually reads it!?! I mean, should I be so free with my emotions, because stars above forbid that I should be so bold? Can I truly put out what I think, and expect high results, or should I simply aim high, so that failure is still in the upper levels of where I orginally aimed? Is this even making sense at all? Cause I'm thinking it's not, and I vowed that I would make sense on this blog. Shit. Someone tell me if this doesn't make sense, cause I'll take it down if it is random ramblings of a delusional nature.

2005-06-28T19:49:00.000-07:00

Breaks in the habit of every day life are to be expected I think. If there was ever a time that you wondered how you managed to make it through the change, join the club. If I was given an option in how I lived my life, I wonder if I wouldn't change it all; my experiences, by gifts, my lessons, all of it. I am one of those that fell through the cracks of experience- I watched, became the peripheral to my friends experiences, and learned from their mistakes. But I wasn't learning fast enough for my own liking, so I sped up. A lot. I went in head first to an environment that I wasn't prepared for. Had I been learning from my own experiences, I might have known what it all meant. But, alas, I had to learn the hard way. Of course, everyone assumes that their lessons were the hard ones learned. But, I assure you, in my own mind, mine were the worst.
So, you ask, why would I ramble in such a manner? Why would I seemingly make you think that I am an intellectual, when in reality, I am no different from you or another? Why would I bring my own life under such scrutiny when society is generally better at analyzing others? My answer to all that.... I have no idea. I suppose that's what happens when you have something to think about, and you choose to ignore it. So, you move on to another topic, and try to over-analyze that other topic, so as to pointedly ignore the first.
Damn, relationships are complicated.

2005-06-23T15:41:00.000-07:00

So, I started a blogger account. Apparently these things are addictive. I have a livejournal, and a myspace, and now a blogger. But this one is different. I use the LJ to stay connected to friends, I use the mySpace to put down random thoughts. This is for my writing... so that I can connect to perfect strangers, and glean some insight from them about what I'm hoping will still be a passion of mine in another sixty years. I tend to be a little on the sarcastic, cynical side when I write, but I doubt that will bother anyone. If it does, oh well. It's mine to write, so I'll write it.